Washington, District of Coercion

“Madoff duped a handful of well-off investors…meanwhile the Social Security program is duping generations of all classes of investors…” –Dr. Edward Forsythe

At a White House press conference Wednesday evening, President Obama announced he has issued an executive pardon to infamous Ponzi-schemer Bernie Madoff and appointed the convicted felon to manage the country’s Social Security Trust Fund.

“Look, the Social Security program is facing dire financial straits, and if there’s anyone who has the right experience, morals, and financial acumen to see this through it’s my friend, Bernie Madoff,” the President explained. “At least until I’m out of office,” he added off-microphone while sneakily winking at Jim Messina, his former campaign manager.

In March 2009, Madoff pleaded guilty to 11 felony counts related to running the largest Ponzi scheme in American history, with losses exceeding $10 billion. The scheme involved Madoff promising lavish returns to investors whose principal was ultimately being used to make good on those same lavish returns promised to his earlier investors. As the existing assets under management, which were funded by the earlier investors, deteriorated Madoff used the principal from his new investors to make good on his promises to his earlier investors.

Madoff’s unprecedented record of taking people’s money and making egregious phony promises positions him uniquely to manage the Social Security Trust Fund.

The Social Security program requires taxpayers (and their employers) to pay 6.2% of gross wages into the Social Security Trust Fund (this is that pesky “OASDI” line on your pay stub that reduces your net pay). The Trust Fund uses current period revenues (i.e., Social Security taxes from today’s workforce, or “the new investors’ principal,” and interest) to pay its expenses (i.e., Social Security benefits paid to yesterday’s workforce, or “the early investors’ return of principal and interest”). The Trust Fund is currently on pace to become insolvent by 2033, which means today’s workforce, and to a greater degree tomorrow’s workforce, can expect significant benefit reductions by the time they reach retirement age, if any benefit payment at all.

Dr. Edward N. U. Forsythe, a senior research fellow with the Institute for Opening Peoples’ Freaking Eyes, explains that the program orchestrated by Madoff is actually morally superior to the federal government’s Social Security program.

“The key distinction between a traditional Ponzi scheme and the Social Security program is that in a Ponzi scheme, the investors made a choice to invest,” Forsythe began. “The Social Security charade on the other hand, uses the force of law to require participation in what Milton Friedman called ‘the biggest Ponzi scheme on earth.’ Mechanically, the programs are largely indistinguishable: in a mature Ponzi scheme, there are no real assets under management, all new investment is simply funneled from late investors, through the asset manager’s bank account, and paid directly to the early investors; today’s Social Security Trust Fund likewise has no real assets under management and contributions received from today’s workforce are simply funneled through the Fund and paid directly to yesterday’s workforce. This seemed to work and appease the public while the demographics and economics allowed for it; in 1950 there were 16.5 workers paying Social Security taxes for every one person receiving benefits, and today there are less than 3 workers paying in for every one person receiving benefits. The wage base has simply not been able to offset that trending demographic shift.”

“Regardless of the demographics or economics,” Forsythe added, “the fact is while Washington was in front of the television cameras gesturing shame on Madoff with one hand, they were reaching their other hand into your pocket and snatching 6.2% of your income to invest into their mechanically identical plan, promising returns that it won’t be able to meet. Look, Madoff duped a handful of well-off investors who at least had a choice to participate; meanwhile the Social Security program is duping generations of all classes of investors who are compelled to participate by law. So since FDR can’t be charged with the countless felonies for his Ponzi scheme pandemic, who should we charge in his place?”

On the appointment of Madoff to manage the Social Security Trust Fund, Forsythe noted, “For once the administration has appointed someone qualified to serve in a particular role! I think Madoff will serve great in this appointment. I mean he’s the perfect guy for the job. And just think, using the law to force investment into his ‘fund’ should free up much of the creative capital he previously spent on intricate document forgeries, wire transfers, and sales pitches to entice new investment.”

Madoff will be in good company as the newly appointed asset manager of the Trust Fund. Ironically, the Trust Fund’s current Managing Trustee, U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, skipped paying his own Social Security taxes during tax years 2001 – 2004 (an “oversight” which he swiftly corrected after Obama expressed interest in nominating him as Treasury Secretary). Seriously, the dude in charge of the Social Security fund skipped paying his own Social Security taxes, how’s that for irony, Alanis Morissette? [♬ ...it's like a tax cheat, on the Fund's Board of Trustees... ♬]

Madoff was not available for public comment at the time of the announcement; however his attorney noted that Madoff is eager to begin his new appointment and looks forward to applying his expertise to the federal program that he attributed as the inspiration for his own record-breaking financial swindle.

The subject documents, which have been publicly available through the Congressional Budget Office’s (CBO) website, like, forever, show that the federal government’s financial outlook has been Wile E. Coyote-ing over a “fiscal abyss” long before President Obama was re-elected on November 6th, 2012.

Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary and communications director for the Guild of Mainstream Media Outlets, explained during a November 14th press conference, “We are facing an unprecedented fiscal state of affairs and the President is ready to address this very important issue. We applaud the media for bringing the issue into Americans’ homes.” In response to an inquiry from a reporter with The Laissez Faire regarding the timing of media’s coordinated announcement of the newly discovered “fiscal cliff,” Carney responded by growing a mischievous smirk, covering his mouth with both hands, and squeaking “Tee-Hee, Tee-Hee!” before gleefully frolicking off the press stage.

The looming “fiscal cliff” refers to the short-term projected economic impact of 1) allowing the Bush-era tax cuts and payroll tax cuts to expire and 2) the imposition of automatic spending cuts under the Budget Control Act of 2011 (i.e., the “sequestration” cuts that trim federal spending across the board resulting from an indecisive super-committee), both set to occur on January 1^st, 2013, which the CBO predicts would result in a short-term drop of 0.5% in gross domestic product and an increase in unemployment to 9.1% by the end of 2013.

However, reasonable economists across the country warn that the long-term federal budget outlook is far more dire than both CBO budget projections and the short-term impacts of the media’s newly discovered “fiscal cliff” might suggest.

A group of renowned economists have expressed greater concern over a longer-term “fiscal abyss” in a recent white paper titled, “Holy Shit! Federal Government owes Nearly $100 Trillion!” The white paper cites a study by the non-partisan National Center for Policy Analysis which calculates an estimated $84 Trillion of unfunded federal liabilities (the study notes the $84 Trillion is a “conservative estimate”), a dismal outlook that far dwarfs the media’s conveniently timed announcement of the headline-hoarding “fiscal cliff.”

R. Runner, Ph.D,  a senior research fellow at the Acme Institute of Super Obvious Studies, explained that the federal government “…simply makes too many promises that it can’t keep in the interest of political expediency; many of which are far contrary to the principles and ideas transcribed in the documents that founded this great country. And quite frankly,” he added, “their actions are immoral.”

In a technicolorful analogy, Dr. Runner further noted that, “We’re not looking out toward some distant ‘fiscal cliff,’ or ‘fiscal abyss,’ whatever you want to call it. We’re beyond the land’s edge of any metaphorical ‘cliff.’ Much like the laws of physics would wait for Wile E. Coyote to process the fact that his chase led him over the edge of a canyon before applying the force of gravity, we’re now beginning to process the fact that the government’s promises are unsustainable and soon, like the ill-fated cartoon coyote, the laws of econcomics will catch up to us sending our economy plummeting to the bottom of our own fiscal canyon if drastic cuts in spending and vast reductions in scope of government do not happen soon.”

Despite the media’s paltry attempt to bring relevant economic information to the citizens’ attention (coincidentally at the heels of a major presidential election), they failed to discuss the dismal long-term outlook beyond the impending ‘fiscal cliff.’ They further failed to discuss the implications of an ever-growing federal government made up of elected (and unelected) officials who continue to make short-term promises for political gains, meanwhile bludgeoning the principles of individual rights into a gory pulp of federally-mandated collectivism whose end game will necessarily be a two-class society: the underclass, and the political class.

A recent Obama campaign ad featuring Lena Dunham, star and head writer of HBO’s hit series, Girls, likening her 2008 vote for Barack Obama to losing her virginity has come under fire as lab results uncovered traces of GHB, commonly referred to as the “date-rape drug,” on her 2008 presidential ballot.

The subject campaign ad features a bubbly Dunham recalling her 2008 cherry-poppin’ curtain-drawin’ ballot-castin’ “first time” voting, during which she cast her vote for current President Barack Obama. During the ad’s minute-long virginity-surrendering intimation, Dunham explains to viewers that, “your first time shouldn’t be with just anybody. You want to do it with a great guy…somebody who really cares about you and understands women…[a guy who cares about] whether you get birth control…” among other fractured likenesses, concluding with, “before I was a girl. Now I was a woman. I voted for Barack Obama.”

However, lab results just released by the Ohio State University Medical Center revealed that Dunham’s 2008 presidential ballot contained distinct traces of the date-rape drug, GHB. Dr. Keller Sterling, PhD., who led the test team at the Ohio State University lab, pre-refuted skeptics of his findings explaining that, “because the November 2008 ballot cannot urinate or otherwise extract any substances from itself whatsoever, the lapse of time between the administration of the drug and the testing date did not impair the purity of the sample.”

The test results have effectively rendered the promiscuous Obama campaign ad baseless and left political pundits perplexed.

Dunham’s 2008 election ballot is finally speaking out since being substantiated by the recently released lab results. The victimized ballot recalled his final memory from that fateful night, “I was relaxing in [Dunham’s] polling booth,” the ballot explained, “we were just talking over a casual drink…when, without warning, she turned around and snapped the polling booth curtains together in haste. She turned back and approched me with intent, grabbed me with both hands, flipped me over on my back and declaratively whispered, ‘tonight…I become a woman.’ I began shaking with fear, like a lonely loose-leaf in the trembling hands of a nervous orator; then, I felt the pressure of her pen making its uninvited contact with my body, which jolted me into a defensive fit and that’s when everything just went blank…I woke up the next day in the ballot-counting machine with a massive headache and dark black bruising in my ‘Barack Obama’ bubble…”

Dunham did not return requests for comment. Sources close to Dunham are reporting that she has locked herself in her Brooklyn Heights apartment and is not allowing visitors since obtaining her 2012 absentee ballot nearly a week ago.

Obama campaign manager and competitive ginger, Jim Messina, issued the following statement in response to the recent developments:

The Obama 2012 reelection campaign is deeply troubled by the recent developments related to Lena Dunham’s questionable interaction with her 2008 presidential ballot. While the Obama campaign does not condone this type of promiscuous behavior outright, it would like to take this opportunity to remind voters: Psst! Hey! Free birth control over here!!!

Ohio state prosecutors explained that they will not seek charges against Dunham because an inanimate election ballot cannot be a victim of a crime according to state statutes.

* The above is satire. Although Lena Dunham did seriously star in an Obama campaign ad comparing her first time voting for Barack Obama to losing her virginity. For real, that actually happened, and it’s even posted on the Barack Obama campaign website. Like…for real.

Limericks for Kurt Bills:

There once was a man named Kurt Bills,
Who was fed up with Washington’s ills;
If elected to congress
He’ll undo their wrongness,
And return us the rights to our tills.

Kurt Bills from the great Minnesota
Won’t let spending grow one more iota;
When he gets to D.C.,
He’ll vote ‘til we’re free,
And won’t dictate the size of your soda!

There once was a candidate named Kurt,
And blue was the collar on his shirt;
He cherishes freedom,
Not government thievedom;
I’d say more but I must keep this curt.

Mr. Bills from Minnesota’s Twin Cities,
Determined to return us our liberties;
He’ll let us choose our course,
Without government force;
The antithesis of Klobuchar’s iniquities.

A dapper school teacher from Rosemount
Fed up with the rocketing debt count,
Kurt entered the race
To inverse the pace,
And prevent people’s dollars from discount.

Limericks against Amy’s bills:

Klobuchar the Democrat Senator,
Votes just like the liberals ahead of her;
Keeps spending our monies,
To bail out her honeys;
So let’s vote for Kurt Bills in November.

Klobuchar of Minnesota’s Twin Cities,
Was bequeathed to her press cov’rage immunities;
No one knew that her votes
Bound Freedom in garrotes,
Nor learned of her socialist proclivities.

There once was a Senator named Amy,
Whose campaign ads tried hard to mislead me,
With consumer protections,
And bailout reflections,
But no cites of her votes that enslaved me.

There once was a white collar woman,
With ties to an infamous Ponzi-man;
She had the letters,
To investigate Petters,
But instead Amy said, “nah, it’s cool, man.”

There once was a Senator named Amy,
Whose probe of Miss Kagan amazed me;
Instead of her record,
Asked “Jacob or Edward?”
Her actions were quite cockamamie!

To learn more about Republican U.S. Senate candidate Kurt Bills, click here.

To learn more about Democratic Senator Amy Klobuchar, click here.

“Look, I know, I know…I’m a dog, and I’m supposed to be ‘loyal’ and all that…I get that all the time, but if you’d heard what I heard, and saw what I saw, you could break from some genetically-predispositioned loyalty to your owner too!” – Bo on the 2012 Election

October 9, 2012 – Washington, District of Collusion

Bo, the lovable White House canine and registered Democrat, came out harshly against his owner and current President of the United States, Barack Obama, during a recent interview with a street reporter from The Laissez Faire. The account from the young Portie offers an intimate look into the inner happenings of the White House, the President’s policy positions, and why one dog is breaking from his instinctual loyalty to support the candidate who is running against his owner in the 2012 U.S. Presidential election.

Bo is a black and white Portuguese Water Dog, who was taken from his previous owner, who had three dogs, and redistributed to the President and his family, who had zero dogs, when he was just a young pup in mid-April of 2009. Generally mild-tempered, Bo is quick to correct anyone who suggests he might share his owner’s qualities, explaining “…my similarities with my owner stop [at the color of my fur].” Bo turned four today, October 9, 2012, and respectfully corrects any “human-year” measurement with his “dog-year” equivalent accepting the simple conversion method of multiplying by a factor of 7, thereby tracking to turn 28 per his calculation. “It’s weird; I can’t believe I’m almost 30,” Bo explains, “Although living here has probably added a decade or two from having to suffer through all of my owner’s policy advisors.”

The following is an uncensored, exclusive interview with the “first dog” conducted during a morning walk down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C.

LF: What is it like being “first dog” and getting to live at the White House with President Obama?

Bo [pausing to gather his response]: Hmm…I guess I’d compare it to a non-stop vet appointment where Paul Krugman, DVS, repeatedly takes a rectal temp with a freezing-cold candy thermometer while discussing his economic ‘visions’ through a dog whistle…

LF [chuckling]: Wow, really that bad?

Bo: Worse, the whole time [former President George W. Bush’s late cat] India is instagramming the whole thing and tweeting play-by-plays to the AKC!

LF [guffawing]: Well that was a colorful metaphor. So who will you be supporting in the November elections?

Bo [sighs]: I’m voting for Romney and Ryan.

LF: ‘Voting’? But you’re a dog; you mean ‘supporting’, right?

Bo: Oh no, I’ll be voting…yep, ACORN registered me to vote in the 2008 election. Bastards strapped on a high-voltage shock collar and had a goon hold his thumb over the zap button while he watched me fill out an entirely Democratic ticket. It was demoralizing to say the least.

LF: Wow! Did he ever actually shock you?

Bo: No, but he had a crazy look in his eye after I submitted my ballot. He wanted to do it just for kicks. I could sense it. So as soon as they removed the shock collar I bit him in the…well, let’s just say, if I can’t have ‘em, then he can’t either…

LF: Yikes…so, as a dog, whose species is known for their loyalty to their owners, why will you be voting for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan in November?

Bo: Look, I know, I know, I’m a dog, and I’m supposed to be ‘loyal’ and all that…I get that all the time, but if you’d heard what I heard, and saw what I saw, you could break from some genetically-predispositioned loyalty to your owner too!

LF: Interesting, so what specifically would you tell voters about their decision this fall?

Bo: Well first, I would remind them that 28 dog-years is a long time for our country to be under his leadership again. I mean, just look at how much our national debt increased during the first 28 dog-years…it’s up something like $5 Trillion dollars since he took office! Why our $16 Trillion of national debt isn’t causing more people to start hoarding food and amassing firearms is beyond my simple canine-mind. It’s a really big deal, and he’s chosen to simply make fun of it in his private life while ignoring it in his professional life.

LF: What do you mean when you say he ‘makes fun’ of it in his personal life?

Bo: He actually started this disgusting National Debt-themed drinking game that he plays with his “college buddies” when they all get together.

LF: That’s…interesting? Can you recall any of the specific rules to this game?

Bo: It’s awful…let’s see…umm…Oh! Ok, for example, if the National Debt rolls to a new “trillion” while they all happen to be together, they divide the new number by one trillion, and have to take that many drinks. And if they’re not together when it hits a new trillion, they will sit and text or Facebook each other all night about it. Like when it hit $16 trillion, appropriately on the same day that the Democratic National Convention kicked off might I add, I saw him send a text to his buddies that read something along the lines of “16 DRINKS, B****EZ!!!!” with some cartoon icon of a beer mug followed by a fist-bump or something. [pauses] I know…it’s sick, seriously. Most of the other rules are just buzz-word drinking cues, you know, like they’ll take a drink every time they hear someone say “the National Debt,” “deficit spending,” “future generations,” and some others that are escaping me at the moment.

LF: Well your account is very insightful, to say the least. So you think the out-of-control National Debt should be a contributing factor for voters this fall?

Bo: Look, if Democrats gain power and win the White House, our National Debt will just keep compounding and we’ll be launched into the fast lane of the Road to Serfdom Express…and once you’ve started down that road it will take a near-miracle to safely exit back onto the Freedom Freeway…pardon the silly wordplay, but the Democrats in Washington notoriously bite the hand of the private sector that feeds their leviathan gluttonous government. I mean at some point, these successful business owners, the private sector producers, are going to be asked to foot more this enormous bill, and then…well just go read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, that should fill in the rest.

LF: Excellent suggestion. So besides the National Debt, what other issues would you like to highlight for voters this fall?

Bo: Obamacare, or as they deceitfully titled it, the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.” What a crock! That’s like calling me, the “Fuzzy Little Kitten who Lives in a Salt-Water Aquarium Dog!”

LF: Interesting analogy. So you’re saying the President’s trademark legislation won’t actually protect patients nor promote affordable care, despite it being called the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act?

Bo: No! Are you kidding me? Look at the plethora of taxes and fees they jammed into those 2,000+ pages of used toilet paper. I would challenge anyone to explain to me, within the constraints of real-life mathematics, how increasing the cost of doing business will make the underlying product or service more “affordable” to the consumer. And the “patient protection” thing? How does the inevitable decrease in supply of physician services and increase in government bureaucracies possibly protect patients!?

LF: Fair point on the “affordable” part, but can you expand on why the supply of physician services will decrease and how that will impact patient care?

Bo: Well sure. Look, the burdensome regulations and ever-growing costs of running a practice (including reimbursement cuts from government payers) are encouraging current physicians to start exploring exit strategies and discouraging potential future students from entering the field at all. And when those services become scarce in supply the costs will skyrocket and services will necessarily be rationed. In fact, only the super-rich will have any choice in the type and quality of care they receive because they’ll be able to pay out of pocket for their services, or will be able to afford a lavish insurance policy. But consider your average middle class patient in this near-certain outcome of my owner’s daft-thought legislation: after the docs inevitably break into two camps, those being “Cash Only/Super Insurance Docs” and “Government Reimbursed Docs,” those providers in the Government Reimbursed camp, who will be seeing the vast majority of patients, will have to ration care to only patients who are in greatest need…or you know, those deemed deserving of care by some unelected Health and Human Services panel of bureaucrats. So to your average middle-class readers: fast forward 10 years, maybe 20 on the high end, and you’ll be finding yourself on long waiting lists for the most basic of services with little to no choice in the care you ultimately receive. But then again, what do I know? I’m just a dog after all…

LF: You seem very informed in the health care issue. Why did you take such an interest in this topic?

Bo: Well it was one of my owner’s babies, it was a big deal, just ask Olympic gaffe-lete, Joe Biden [referring to one of Biden’s many gaffes where the Vice President was caught on a live microphone describing the magnitude of the Obamacare signing ceremony using a particularly untoward expletive].

LF: So as President Obama’s “best friend,” were you privy to anything during the Obamacare legislative or pre-legislative process that may be of interest to voters?

Bo: I do recall a particular morning walk with my owner and some of the legislators on the Obamacare team…it was just after they had to concede the universal payer option…they were despondent, and the morning’s cloudy skies, cool drizzle and a panhandling B.B. King saxophonist added to their blues that morning. Suddenly the President stopped walking and commanded his posse’s attention. When they turned to face him he dropped his head and admitted the bill’s shortcomings in its current form, but then he shot up as if he had been revived by some emotional defibrillator and said, ‘It just sounds so cool, though, man!’ He then scanned the donkey-gray sky and found the one ray of sunshine piercing the atmospheric gloom and spread his hands like a frame around that one lone solar soldier, squinted his eyes and passionately whispered, ‘Obamacare…’ And so it was settled in that moment, they went ahead and jammed the treachery through congress without even allowing anyone to read it and digest the vast consequences! What an awful moment for this country. Oh! And I’ll never forget Nancy Pelosi explaining to the American people that, ‘we have to pass it first to see what’s in it, duh!’

LF: Wow, you have a very vivid memory of that moment; it must have been very impactful for you.

Bo: Yeah well, I remember it so well because as he was standing there whispering ‘Obamacare…’ with more passion than Michelle [Obama] has ever heard, I posted up over his drizzle-spattered black wingtip shoe, lifted my leg, and let him know what I really thought of his idea right in front of his friends! It was magical!

LF: I can see where that would be memorable. So we’ve touched on the national debt, and now health care. Is there anything else you would like to speak to that has swayed you to the Republican ticket?

Bo: Well first, let’s remember that I’m a dog and technically I’m not able to speak at all. That being said… Two more things: The Supreme Court and potential United Nations gun control treaties.

LF: Well let’s take them one at a time. Let’s start with the Supreme Court. What about the Supreme Court is pushing you to the Republican ticket in 2012?

Bo: Well four of the current Supreme Court justices are in their seventies, and if my owner gets the opportunity to appoint more Kagan’s and Sotomayor’s to the bench, you bet he’ll be on top of that! Can you imagine such a young, liberal-leaning bench, digesting future cases and crapping out more and more activist rulings until they eventually just decide our Constitution itself needs to be re-written to ‘conform to the times,’ and task Elizabeth Warren with that project?! I’m outta here if that happens; I’ll be on a one-way flight to any country where my species isn’t a featured item on a dining menu!

LF: That’s a fair point. So what about the United Nations gun control treaties you mentioned?

Bo: The U.N. is always pushing for this Arms Trade Treaty, which effectively aims to impose worldwide controls on small arms. My owner has supported banning hand guns and semi-automatic weapons even before becoming President. Why wouldn’t he support signing over our sovereignty and second amendment rights to this international body once reelection is no longer a concern? While our current congress likely won’t ratify such a treaty, after he greases those wheels it’s only a matter of time before we have a congress that is supportive and, BANG! The U.N. will be able to track civilian owned firearms and further advance efforts to disarm American citizens from their global perch. I don’t know about you, but something just doesn’t smell right about that…

LF: Great points and excellent information all around. For a dog, your words have been very insightful. You really put a lot of time and thought into this election. But to end on some lighter questions, what types of activities do you and the President engage in together at the White House?

Bo: When he does find some time for me, that is, when he’s not out golfing, vacationing, campaigning, and signing overreaching legislation…he actually does take me out in the White House lawn for some play time.

LF: Oh, what kinds of games do you play together?

Bo: Well the typical games that dogs and their owners play…except that when we play the games, they’re always a little different than what I hear from my friends at the dog park.

LF: In what ways are they different?

Bo: Well, for example: fetch. If we’re out playing fetch together, you know, we’re having a great time, he’s throwing and I’m fetching, and then out of nowhere some of the 47% of dogs who don’t play fetch walk over to our game, and all of the sudden my owner will take the stick after I return it to him, break it into small, even pieces, and just walk over and give the pieces to the other dogs!

LF: That doesn’t sound like much fun at all. Has he taught you any tricks?

Bo: Ha! Oh yeah, I can do tricks. But we only get to do tricks when he has guests visiting the White House, and even then he just pays a staffer to follow me around the whole night with a taxpayer-funded iPad loaded with a single PowerPoint presentation that he uses as an improvised teleprompter so he knows what to say when it’s time to show off my tricks. It’s true! Seriously, it’s a PowerPoint he had someone throw together that’s like 10 slides. Each slide is just a blue background with a large word in white text, “Sit,” or “Shake,” or “Rollover,” and so on. So whenever we run into him schmoozing with his guests the staffer will hold the iPad up so the president can read it, and advance the slides while the president reads each word and I perform each trick. For real, it happens every time we have guests. And I literally cannot say no to the tricks, I have zero control when it’s trick time…it’s like I’m trained or something. But what’s more, the last slide in the presentation isn’t a trick at all but some closing joke that really freaks me out! It says, “Thanks Bo, and whatever you read about me eating a dog when I was a boy, it ain’t true! *chuckle and acknowledge guests*” Any idea what that’s all about?

LF [chuckling]: Well, if you haven’t read his book yet, check that out sometime, I think you’ll find your answer.

Bo: Well, I’ll have to download the podcast or something since I can’t read, but I’ll get on that after this interview.

LF: Well this has been very insightful and informative. But I would like to leave the readers on a happier note, and maybe there isn’t one, but is there anything you do like about being “first dog” and living in the White House?

Bo: The girls, I love ‘em! We actually have a lot of fun together. They give me a lot of attention and we play together often. Seriously, were it not for those two sweethearts, I would have surely locked myself in the bathroom with a box of king-size Hershey chocolate bars by now.

Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar

“My main motivation this election cycle is winning the hearts of Minnesota voters so that I may return to the Senate chambers and push the key debate that is dividing this nation: Werewolf versus Vampire,” – Amy Klobuchar on 2012 Senate Race.

September 19, 2012 – Minneapoleft, Minnesota

Incumbent U.S. Senator and teen sci-fi romance aficionado, Amy Klobuchar (dyed-in-the-wool D-MN), revealed her motivation behind her 2012 reelection campaign in a recent press release: furthering the debate of werewolf versus vampire, referring to the ongoing debate of ‘Jacob versus Edward’ from the wildly popular teen sci-fi series, Twilight. The first-term Senator, whose nose pinocchioed during a December 2009 interview with Fox News’ Chris Wallace when she described the Obamacare legislative process as “fairly transparent,” recently issued a press release detailing her inspiration this election cycle. The release noted, in part, “The biggest issue facing American voters today is one of monstrous proportions: Team Jacob or Team Edward. If elected to a second term, I will fight for you to bring this issue to the Senate floor so the American people can hear an honest debate. Who should reign supreme: Jacob, a chiseled, principled, and yummy werewolf, or Edward, a soft-spoken, romantic, and scrumptious vampire?”

The announcement comes as no surprise to the politically-tuned electorate. Klobuchar, who left a career of lawyering to try an even less favorably-perceived career of legislating, was poised to be a key contributor during current Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan’s senate confirmation hearings. However, during the June 30^th, 2010 confirmation hearing, which is meant to be a serious inquiry into potential Justice’s qualifications, Klobuchar cornered Kagan asking her to comment on “the famous case of Edward vs. Jacob, or the Vampire vs. the Werewolf.” Kagan, known to colleagues as ‘the Kaganator’ and rumored to have once squashed a neighbor’s trespassing puppy with her bare foot, shot back sharply at Klobuchar with a piercing “I wish you wouldn’t!” before rushing to catch a flight to Los Angeles where she was scheduled to play Kevin James in his self-directed auto-biographical documentary.

Following the vampire versus werewolf inquiry during Kagan’s confirmation hearings, Klobuchar’s inner monster came out again during an October 31^st, 2011 interview with MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. Klobuchar explained to Maddow that, “…as you know there are a lot of ghosts and goblins running around Washington, but not a witch on a broom. That was the last election,” further substantiating her fascination with make-believe monsters and taking a personal jab at former U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell of Delaware.

Klobuchar’s press release refers to her exchange with Kagan as “the debate that got away,” and promises voters that “[Klobuchar] will work across the aisle to petition the Supreme Court to hear the case of Werewolf versus Vampire,” emphasizing one of the Senator’s key 2012 campaign themes of bipartisanship. However, despite her oft-touted record of perceived bipartisanship, the “approximately two-thirds [of Klobuchar’s] authored bills that received Republican co-sponsorship” represent a collection of largely negligible, low-priority ‘campaign bills’ (i.e., bills drafted for the main purpose featuring during reelection ads and promotions) that either did nothing to help ease the economic malaise overshadowing the U.S. business climate, or should be left to the states.

Additionally, Klobuchar’s campaign message of ‘working across the aisle,’ which is intended to win over independents, moderate Republicans, and freedom-haters who want a bigger federal government, contradicts her glaringly transparent record of voting lock-step with her big-government, don’t-worry-just-give-us-your-money-and-we’ll-make-all-your-decisions-for-you Democrat party 91% of the time. In fact, Klobuchar proudly cast her vote for Obamacare, which recently cost an announced 300 Minnesotan’s their jobs as Minnesota-based Saint Jude Medical Company reorganized in an attempt to offset the approximately $60 million in new Obamacare taxes set to begin scraping away their margins in 2014 (not to mention the countless other jobs that will be shed as the bill’s event horizon approaches).

Klobuchar also repeatedly voted to increase the debt ceiling (an action that contributed to the historic downgrade of the United States’ public debt by the Standards & Poors rating agency), voted against a Farm Bill amendment that would have limited taxpayer subsidies to only those farmers earning less than $250,000 per year, and voted against the energy-independence-promoting and job-creating Keystone XL Pipeline project. [For a more thorough list of Klobuchar’s dismal record in the senate, The Laissez Faire has compiled a table included at the end of this article highlighting the Senator’s selected legislative actions juxtaposed to the point-in-time U.S. National Debt and Unemployment Rate.]

The 2012 U.S. Senate race in Minnesota will begin intensifying as November nears. Klobuchar, the de facto Washington insider, has in excess of $5 million of cash on hand. Her largest contributions came from lawyers, who make their living helping their clients navigate the labyrinth of regulations imposed by lawmakers, and the anti-baby organization EMILY’s List, which works to promote female candidates who share their vision of allowing individuals to be stripped of their right to life before they can even speak for themselves.

Other notable contributors to Klobuchar’s 2012 campaign fund include American Adhesives, Inc., the leading U.S. manufacturer of the red-colored adhesive tape that has been tangling business owners for generations; the controversial Vamp-PAC, a committee dedicated to electing candidates who favor federal relief to vampires; and FullMoonRisingPAC, a committee dedicated to supporting candidates who share their vision of equal rights for werewolves at home and abroad.

Klobuchar also recently stole endorsements from the typically conservative Minnesota Farm Bureau and two Minnesota business leaders, who have apparently been glamoured by Klobuchar’s supernatural operatives. The trend-breaking Minnesota Farm Bureau endorsement may be explained by Klobuchar’s vote against Senator Rand Paul’s (R-KY) amendment to the 2012 Farm Bill that would have limited taxpayer subsidies to only those farmers earning less than $250,000 per year…that or the endorsing committee was higher than the U.S. debt-to-GDP ratio during the endorsement decision making process.

The two noted business leaders, Bill Hawkins, former CEO of Obamacare victim and medical device giant Medtronic, and Paul Walser, CEO of Minnesota-based Walser Automotive, each have their own reasons to be cheerleading for Klobuchar. Hawkins attributed his praise of the Senator to her recent work to try to reduce a new medical device tax. Yes, the same medical device tax born from the Obamacare legislation that Klobuchar proudly voted for in the first place…Mr. Hawkins must have missed that memo.

Paul Walser’s endorsement is apparently a quid-pro-quo for the ‘personal attention’ Klobuchar gave to the Minnesota dealership group when Walser was appealing then-government owned General Motors Corporation’s decision to terminate a franchise agreement with one of Walser’s dealership locations. Nothing says crony-capitalism like inserting a legislator into the equation of two market participants, especially with the influences the government must have had with the recent taxpayer funded bail out of General Motors Corporation.

Fortunately, Minnesota voters who are not crony-capitalist CEOs, super-rich farmers, or sympathizers with/members of the make-believe monster community have a choice this election cycle. Kurt Bills, an articulate and dapper economics phenom has emerged as the Republican challenger to Klobuchar’s cozy Senate seat. Bills is a first-term state legislator and high school teacher of advanced economics at a public high school in Rosemount, Minnesota, a suburb of the Twin Cities. And contrasting Klobuchar’s philosophy that ‘everything will be better if we just legislate individual decisions from Washington,’ Bills believes that the best people to make decisions for Minnesota citizens are the Minnesota citizens themselves.

Bills offers a stark contrast for Minnesota voters in many other dimensions. Bills is a high school economics teacher and small business owner, and was never a partner with two prominent law firms. Bills believes that the people, not government, create jobs. Bills opposes the job-killing Obamacare legislation, and would never have voted for such government overreach. Bills stands behind his freedom-rooted principles, and is more than just a popular name with a killer hot dish recipe whose vote simply follows the party leadership suggested positions. And lastly, Bills has never discussed teen sci-fi romance during any legislative hearings whatsoever.

Hence, Kurt Bills.

* Unemployment data not yet released

Sources for above datapoints:

Legislation and Summaries: http://www.govtrack.us/
U.S. National Debt: http://www.treasurydirect.gov/
Unemployment Rate: http://data.bls.gov/

Crossposted at Conservative Daily News

“In my 30 years as a practicing podiatric-oral surgeon…I have never faced a more challenging operation [than Joe Biden’s unprecedented foot-in-mouth extraction procedure],” – Dr. Walter Bennett, world-renowned foot-in-mouth extraction surgeon.

September 5, 2012 – Washington, District of Conundrums.

Vice President and Wilt Chamberlain-caliber gaffe-lete Joe Biden was rushed to George Washington University Hospital early this morning via Air Force One following a dry run session of his prepared remarks intended for the Democratic National Convention, which kicked off Tuesday, September 4^th in Charlotte, North Carolina. Aides close to Biden leaked to reporters that halfway through the prepared remarks the Vice President strayed off-script causing his foot to immediately become lodged in his mouth, a condition known as podiatric dysphagia. Medics on staff evaluated the situation and deemed the circumstances and timing too dire and made the decision to rush the Vice President to George Washington University Hospital where Dr. Walter Bennett, a podiatric dysphagia specialist very familiar with Biden, has been practicing the foot-in-mouth extraction procedure for over 30 years.

The dry run session that led to the urgent hospital trip followed Biden’s weekly “cereal box toy play session” during which Biden and paid staff invade a meeting room (typically the Oval Office) for a one hour “adventure meeting” where they reportedly each choose a favorite cereal box toy and use their imaginations to make up games and engage in what has been described by White House staffers as “childhood make-believe.” During the subject adventure meeting, participants reported that it was Biden’s “turn to make up the game [and set the rules]” and he accordingly left the adventure meeting as the self-proclaimed “Undefeated King of Nummy-Nums and All-Time Cereal Box Toy Champion of the World…No Wait…the Entire Planet!” Insiders speculate that the confidence boost from Biden’s impressive “win” during the preceding adventure meeting contributed to the script-straying podiatric dysphagia episode during the dry run session that ultimately led to his urgent hospital admission. [BONUS UPDATE: The Laissez Faire’s insider source learned that certain of the rules established by the self-ordained “King of Nummy-Nums” included requiring participants to do somersaults before each “turn” and screaming “GERONIMO!” every time someone’s cell phone rang.]

Despite contrary belief, the Vice President actually has a long medical history of podiatric dysphagia. However, the lack of coverage from main stream news sources and liberal-friendly cable news networks has left most Americans with an “average” or “favorable” impression of the Vice President’s public discourse (contrast their coverage of Vice President Biden to their journalistic hazing of former President George W. Bush).

Most recently, on August 14^th, 2012 at a campaign event in southern Virginia, Biden found himself chewing on his foot again when he announced to a racially diverse crowd that Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney was going to “…put y’all back in chains,” using disgusting pre-civil war slave-era imagery to slander the Republican Presidential nominee. And perhaps Biden’s best-known gaffe occurred on March 23^rd, 2010 in Washington, D.C. during the ceremonial signing of Obamacare where a live microphone caught him saying “This is a big f—ing deal,” to President Obama. A close second occurred during a September 12^th, 2008 campaign speech in Columbia, Missouri where Biden called on wheelchair-bound Missouri State Senator Chuck Graham to “Stand up…let ‘em see ya!”  [UPDATE: The Laissez Faire has obtained the Vice President’s medical chart from George Washington University Hospital that includes a lengthy list of the Vice President’s history of jamming his foot in his mouth. The list can be found at the end of this article.]

Doctor Walter Bennett, the world-renowned podiatric-oral surgeon who practices at George Washington University Hospital and treated Vice President Biden, told The Laissez Faire, “In my 30 years as a practicing podiatric-oral surgeon…I have never faced a more challenging operation [than Joe Biden’s unprecedented foot-in-mouth extraction procedure.]” Dr. Bennett specializes in state of the art foot-in-mouth extraction procedures to treat podiatric dysphagia and has treated some other well-known cases. Dr. Bennett shared with The Laissez Faire a recent case he treated relevant to this elections cycle. “In 2008,” Dr. Bennett recalled, “former President Bill Clinton was flown into this facility for this exact same procedure after the former President had explained to Ted Kennedy that ‘A few years ago, [Obama] would have been carrying our bags!’”

Dr. Bennett explained that the extraction procedure, though quite complex, is often very successful and repeat admissions are generally rare. “However,” Dr. Bennett explained, “Mr. Biden seems to have a chronic case that I cannot seem to keep under control. I’ve shared his records and charts with other leading experts across the world and the consensus is: modern medicine simply isn’t equipped to treat his case for a permanent result.”  According to hospital admission records, Mr. Biden has seen the world-renowned podiatric dysphagia specialist at least 15 times in the past five years for the same procedure, though for varying degrees of severity. “Every time he comes in,” Dr. Bennett continued as he became increasingly animated with each passing syllable, “it’s like he’s back before we finish sanitizing the scalpel from his last discharge!! I ought to just sew [his lips] shut…it’s really that dire!”

Vice President Biden has generously agreed to let the hospital release his medical charts (included below) in hopes that researchers will find a more permanent solution. The medical consulting team at The Laissez Faire reviewed the charts and offered the following solution that they hope will complete medical trials and fully transpire in early November, 2012: “VOTE HIM OUT!”

Below is a listing of Biden’s recent visits and the related reported symptoms (i.e., public statements) that led to each of Biden’s medical episodes of podiatric dysphagia:

“…Nah man…it’s cool, they’re totally outnumbered” – Barack Obama on tax hikes impacting high-earning Americans

July 24, 2012 – Washington, District of Confusion.

Barack Obama, leader of the once-free world, announced his latest plan to steal more resources from high-earning Americans…er…his 2013 budget proposal. “Look,” began Obama, “my plan will only increase taxes on the 2% of highest earning Americans…I mean, just between you and me,” Obama continued to the full Press Corps, “this is what democracy is all about, you know? Let that 98% majority speak their minds with the vote!” When challenged by a reporter from The Laissez Faire on whether the 2% have less of a right to their property than the other 98%, the President responded, “Nah man…it’s cool, they’re totally outnumbered,” punctuating his response with his too-familiar smirking/eye-rolling/slow-blinking/dripping-with-arrogance head-shake.

Vice President and “shiny thing enthusiast” Joe Biden was also initially present at the press conference. However, Biden, who was reportedly prepared to share a few of his own words on the President’s tax proposal against the advice of every Democrat ever, caused a stir when he unexpectedly bolted from the press stage screaming “Kitty! Kitty! Come back, Kittyyyyy!”

During the chaos that followed the Vice President’s unexpected 200 meter dash to the White House vestibule that would have given decorated Olympian Usain Bolt a run for his money, White House press secretary Jay Carney immediately began seeking control of the room by shoving pre-printed “What Joe Meant Decoder…” pieces of literature in the face of every reporter who would oblige him. “Refer to number 5 on the card, please! SEE NUMBER 5!!!” shouted Carney. According to the pre-printed “What Joe Meant Decoder…” handouts, Biden’s outburst apparently is to be interpreted by the press as “While I am sometimes unable to control my desire to chase [please choose the most appropriate word from the following list: kittens; puppies; fire trucks; unicorns; ambulances; Indians working at 7-11; or balloons], I stand by the President on this announcement and believe this is the best policy decision for the middle class.”

After order was restored in the Press Room, the President shot a piercing glare to press secretary Jay Carney and continued toward the microphone. “First,” began Obama, “I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask those individual millionaires who are making over $200,000 per year to pay more in taxes…I mean at some point they’ve made enough money and doggone-it, me and my policy advisors will decide how much that is!” A voice from the back of room earned wild applause from the one reasonable press reporter present when it interjected, “I think your Federal Reserve has made enough money, Mr. President!” alluding to the monetary policies of the Federal Reserve that are pick-pocketing the purchasing power of all American citizens via inflated prices arising from an increase in the money supply. “And furthermore,” the voice continued before being escorted out by Secret Service personnel, “a person earning more than $200,000 in one year is not a millionaire! Get your story together!”

The president turned to the ironically present Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, and inquired over the live microphone, “Is that one of them ‘pun’ things or do we need to cut wages at the Fed…? What was that cat talkin’ ‘bout?” Geithner replied, “Shiiit, son…I skip paying my own taxes whenever I can…take a look at my returns from the first half of the last decade, I wake up every morning wondering how I slithered through the committee hearings…I don’t know the answer to that question and whoever invited me to this press event should probably just be fired…”

Following the outburst and live microphone gaffe with the Treasury Secretary, the President abruptly concluded the press conference by thanking the broader Press Corps for their participation and chest-bumping a front-row reporter from MSNBC before strutting out of the room.

The Laissez Faire notes that Obama’s tax proposal would allow the Bush-era tax cuts to expire for single taxpayers earning more than $200,000 per year and married taxpayers earning more than $250,000, collectively and nonsensically referred to by Obama and his administration as “millionaires.” Allowing the Bush-era tax cuts to expire would catapult the top federal marginal tax rate to an unnerving 39.6%, a rate the United States hasn’t felt since that one president who had an affair with Monica Lewinsky was in office. In addition to raising the top marginal rates on the vilified minority of successful Americans whom the president manipulatively refers to inclusively as “millionaires,” Obama’s proposal would also hike top capital gains rates to 20%, tax certain dividend income as ordinary income, and restore more punitive estate, gift and other transfer tax parameters.

Furthermore, contrary to the President’s claims that the tax hikes included in his 2013 budget will help reduce the federal deficit and balance the budget, projected figures compiled by Veronique de Rugy of the Mercatus Center at George Mason University show the tax increases would bring in roughly $970 Billion over 10 years while federal spending will approach $47 Trillion (with a “T”) over that same time period. Assuming the United States still has an economy when the President leaves office, this guarantees his résumé a one-way ticket to the “no F-ing way” pile should he seek any private sector employment whatsoever.

UPDATE: A reporter from The Laissez Faire caught up with the Vice President shortly after the press conference. Biden was found without a shirt sitting on an outdoor bench blocks away from the White House playing with a white kitten donning a pink, shiny bow. When asked by the reporter if the Vice President wanted to take the opportunity to say a few words on the White House’s latest class-warfare campaign ploy cross-dressed as a revenue-generating prosperity builder, the Vice President responded bluntly by hurling the innocent kitten at the reporter’s face and raced away in the direction of a passing ice cream truck.