Lab Test Finds Traces of “Date-Rape Drug,” GHB, on Lena Dunham’s 2008 Election Ballot

A recent Obama campaign ad featuring Lena Dunham, star and head writer of HBO’s hit series, Girls, likening her 2008 vote for Barack Obama to losing her virginity has come under fire as lab results uncovered traces of GHB, commonly referred to as the “date-rape drug,” on her 2008 presidential ballot.

The subject campaign ad features a bubbly Dunham recalling her 2008 cherry-poppin’ curtain-drawin’ ballot-castin’ “first time” voting, during which she cast her vote for current President Barack Obama. During the ad’s minute-long virginity-surrendering intimation, Dunham explains to viewers that, “your first time shouldn’t be with just anybody. You want to do it with a great guy…somebody who really cares about you and understands women…[a guy who cares about] whether you get birth control…” among other fractured likenesses, concluding with, “before I was a girl. Now I was a woman. I voted for Barack Obama.”

However, lab results just released by the Ohio State University Medical Center revealed that Dunham’s 2008 presidential ballot contained distinct traces of the date-rape drug, GHB. Dr. Keller Sterling, PhD., who led the test team at the Ohio State University lab, pre-refuted skeptics of his findings explaining that, “because the November 2008 ballot cannot urinate or otherwise extract any substances from itself whatsoever, the lapse of time between the administration of the drug and the testing date did not impair the purity of the sample.”

The test results have effectively rendered the promiscuous Obama campaign ad baseless and left political pundits perplexed.

Dunham’s 2008 election ballot is finally speaking out since being substantiated by the recently released lab results. The victimized ballot recalled his final memory from that fateful night, “I was relaxing in [Dunham’s] polling booth,” the ballot explained, “we were just talking over a casual drink…when, without warning, she turned around and snapped the polling booth curtains together in haste. She turned back and approched me with intent, grabbed me with both hands, flipped me over on my back and declaratively whispered, ‘tonight…I become a woman.’ I began shaking with fear, like a lonely loose-leaf in the trembling hands of a nervous orator; then, I felt the pressure of her pen making its uninvited contact with my body, which jolted me into a defensive fit and that’s when everything just went blank…I woke up the next day in the ballot-counting machine with a massive headache and dark black bruising in my ‘Barack Obama’ bubble…”

Dunham did not return requests for comment. Sources close to Dunham are reporting that she has locked herself in her Brooklyn Heights apartment and is not allowing visitors since obtaining her 2012 absentee ballot nearly a week ago.

Obama campaign manager and competitive ginger, Jim Messina, issued the following statement in response to the recent developments:

The Obama 2012 reelection campaign is deeply troubled by the recent developments related to Lena Dunham’s questionable interaction with her 2008 presidential ballot. While the Obama campaign does not condone this type of promiscuous behavior outright, it would like to take this opportunity to remind voters: Psst! Hey! Free birth control over here!!!

Ohio state prosecutors explained that they will not seek charges against Dunham because an inanimate election ballot cannot be a victim of a crime according to state statutes.

* The above is satire. Although Lena Dunham did seriously star in an Obama campaign ad comparing her first time voting for Barack Obama to losing her virginity. For real, that actually happened, and it’s even posted on the Barack Obama campaign website. Like…for real.

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