“In my 30 years as a practicing podiatric-oral surgeon…I have never faced a more challenging operation [than Joe Biden’s unprecedented foot-in-mouth extraction procedure],” – Dr. Walter Bennett, world-renowned foot-in-mouth extraction surgeon.
September 5, 2012 – Washington, District of Conundrums.
Vice President and Wilt Chamberlain-caliber gaffe-lete Joe Biden was rushed to George Washington University Hospital early this morning via Air Force One following a dry run session of his prepared remarks intended for the Democratic National Convention, which kicked off Tuesday, September 4th in Charlotte, North Carolina. Aides close to Biden leaked to reporters that halfway through the prepared remarks the Vice President strayed off-script causing his foot to immediately become lodged in his mouth, a condition known as podiatric dysphagia. Medics on staff evaluated the situation and deemed the circumstances and timing too dire and made the decision to rush the Vice President to George Washington University Hospital where Dr. Walter Bennett, a podiatric dysphagia specialist very familiar with Biden, has been practicing the foot-in-mouth extraction procedure for over 30 years.
The dry run session that led to the urgent hospital trip followed Biden’s weekly “cereal box toy play session” during which Biden and paid staff invade a meeting room (typically the Oval Office) for a one hour “adventure meeting” where they reportedly each choose a favorite cereal box toy and use their imaginations to make up games and engage in what has been described by White House staffers as “childhood make-believe.” During the subject adventure meeting, participants reported that it was Biden’s “turn to make up the game [and set the rules]” and he accordingly left the adventure meeting as the self-proclaimed “Undefeated King of Nummy-Nums and All-Time Cereal Box Toy Champion of the World…No Wait…the Entire Planet!” Insiders speculate that the confidence boost from Biden’s impressive “win” during the preceding adventure meeting contributed to the script-straying podiatric dysphagia episode during the dry run session that ultimately led to his urgent hospital admission. [BONUS UPDATE: The Laissez Faire’s insider source learned that certain of the rules established by the self-ordained “King of Nummy-Nums” included requiring participants to do somersaults before each “turn” and screaming “GERONIMO!” every time someone’s cell phone rang.]
Despite contrary belief, the Vice President actually has a long medical history of podiatric dysphagia. However, the lack of coverage from main stream news sources and liberal-friendly cable news networks has left most Americans with an “average” or “favorable” impression of the Vice President’s public discourse (contrast their coverage of Vice President Biden to their journalistic hazing of former President George W. Bush).
Most recently, on August 14th, 2012 at a campaign event in southern Virginia, Biden found himself chewing on his foot again when he announced to a racially diverse crowd that Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney was going to “…put y’all back in chains,” using disgusting pre-civil war slave-era imagery to slander the Republican Presidential nominee. And perhaps Biden’s best-known gaffe occurred on March 23rd, 2010 in Washington, D.C. during the ceremonial signing of Obamacare where a live microphone caught him saying “This is a big f—ing deal,” to President Obama. A close second occurred during a September 12th, 2008 campaign speech in Columbia, Missouri where Biden called on wheelchair-bound Missouri State Senator Chuck Graham to “Stand up…let ‘em see ya!” [UPDATE: The Laissez Faire has obtained the Vice President’s medical chart from George Washington University Hospital that includes a lengthy list of the Vice President’s history of jamming his foot in his mouth. The list can be found at the end of this article.]
Doctor Walter Bennett, the world-renowned podiatric-oral surgeon who practices at George Washington University Hospital and treated Vice President Biden, told The Laissez Faire, “In my 30 years as a practicing podiatric-oral surgeon…I have never faced a more challenging operation [than Joe Biden’s unprecedented foot-in-mouth extraction procedure.]” Dr. Bennett specializes in state of the art foot-in-mouth extraction procedures to treat podiatric dysphagia and has treated some other well-known cases. Dr. Bennett shared with The Laissez Faire a recent case he treated relevant to this elections cycle. “In 2008,” Dr. Bennett recalled, “former President Bill Clinton was flown into this facility for this exact same procedure after the former President had explained to Ted Kennedy that ‘A few years ago, [Obama] would have been carrying our bags!’”
Dr. Bennett explained that the extraction procedure, though quite complex, is often very successful and repeat admissions are generally rare. “However,” Dr. Bennett explained, “Mr. Biden seems to have a chronic case that I cannot seem to keep under control. I’ve shared his records and charts with other leading experts across the world and the consensus is: modern medicine simply isn’t equipped to treat his case for a permanent result.” According to hospital admission records, Mr. Biden has seen the world-renowned podiatric dysphagia specialist at least 15 times in the past five years for the same procedure, though for varying degrees of severity. “Every time he comes in,” Dr. Bennett continued as he became increasingly animated with each passing syllable, “it’s like he’s back before we finish sanitizing the scalpel from his last discharge!! I ought to just sew [his lips] shut…it’s really that dire!”
Vice President Biden has generously agreed to let the hospital release his medical charts (included below) in hopes that researchers will find a more permanent solution. The medical consulting team at The Laissez Faire reviewed the charts and offered the following solution that they hope will complete medical trials and fully transpire in early November, 2012: “VOTE HIM OUT!”
Below is a listing of Biden’s recent visits and the related reported symptoms (i.e., public statements) that led to each of Biden’s medical episodes of podiatric dysphagia:
|Date||Reported Symptoms||Condition||On-Duty Physician|
|1/31/2007||At the beginning of the 2008 Democratic primary campaign, regarding future President Obama, said “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|8/23/2008||During a campaign rally, introduced Barack Obama by saying “A man I’m proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America!”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|8/27/2008||During acceptance speech at the 2008 DNC, referred to John ‘Wayne’ McCain as “George” and explained away as “Freudian slip, folks, Freudian slip.”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|9/1/2008||Explained during a roundtable discussion that he was running for President, not Vice President.||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|9/4/2008||Referred to Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as Lieutenant Governor||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|9/12/2008||Called for wheelchair-bound Missouri state senator Chuck Graham to “stand up…let ‘em see ya!”||Podiatric Dysphagia||D. Shepard (visiting)|
|9/22/2008||During a CBS interview, explained that “When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, ‘Look, here’s what happened” However, when stock market crashed in 1929, Hoover, NOT Roosevelt was Presiding, and Televisions were not commercially available in America until July, 1941||Podiatric Dysphagia||G. O’Malley (visiting)|
|10/15/2008||While criticizing John ‘Wayne’ McCain in 2008 referred to the word “jobs” as a three-letter word, and even spelled it out letter-by-letter: “…a three letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|2/25/2009||While encouraging viewers to visit a government website that tracks stimulus spending, Biden could not recall the website’s “number,” explaining,“You know, I’m embarrassed. Do you know the Web site number?” he asked an aide who was out of view, “I should have it in front of me and I don’t. I’m actually embarrassed.”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|4/30/2009||Biden delivered the following advice during the swine flu scare:“I would tell members of my family, and I have, I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places right now. It’s not that it’s going to Mexico, it’s that you are in a confined aircraft when one person sneezes, it goes everywhere through the aircraft. That’s me.”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|7/16/2009||Regarding stimulus spending, Biden explained, “People, when I say that, look at me and say, ‘What are you talking about, Joe? You’re telling me we have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt? The answer is yes”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|3/23/2010||Caught on an open mic, Biden congratulated President Obama during the ceremonial signing of Obamacare by saying, “This is a big f—ing deal.”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|8/1/2011||Biden explained that “[tea party and fiscal conservatives] have acted like terrorists.”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|4/26/2012||Biden, working off of Roosevelt’s famous quote “Speak softly and carry a big stick, you will go far,” Biden explained “I promise you, the President has a big stick. I promise you.”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|
|8/14/2012||Biden, speaking to a racially diverse crowd in southern Virginia, explained that Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s plan would “put y’all back in chains.”||Podiatric Dysphagia||W. Bennett|