“…Nah man…it’s cool, they’re totally outnumbered” – Barack Obama on tax hikes impacting high-earning Americans
July 24, 2012 – Washington, District of Confusion.
Barack Obama, leader of the once-free world, announced his latest plan to steal more resources from high-earning Americans…er…his 2013 budget proposal. “Look,” began Obama, “my plan will only increase taxes on the 2% of highest earning Americans…I mean, just between you and me,” Obama continued to the full Press Corps, “this is what democracy is all about, you know? Let that 98% majority speak their minds with the vote!” When challenged by a reporter from The Laissez Faire on whether the 2% have less of a right to their property than the other 98%, the President responded, “Nah man…it’s cool, they’re totally outnumbered,” punctuating his response with his too-familiar smirking/eye-rolling/slow-blinking/dripping-with-arrogance head-shake.
Vice President and “shiny thing enthusiast” Joe Biden was also initially present at the press conference. However, Biden, who was reportedly prepared to share a few of his own words on the President’s tax proposal against the advice of every Democrat ever, caused a stir when he unexpectedly bolted from the press stage screaming “Kitty! Kitty! Come back, Kittyyyyy!”
During the chaos that followed the Vice President’s unexpected 200 meter dash to the White House vestibule that would have given decorated Olympian Usain Bolt a run for his money, White House press secretary Jay Carney immediately began seeking control of the room by shoving pre-printed “What Joe Meant Decoder…” pieces of literature in the face of every reporter who would oblige him. “Refer to number 5 on the card, please! SEE NUMBER 5!!!” shouted Carney. According to the pre-printed “What Joe Meant Decoder…” handouts, Biden’s outburst apparently is to be interpreted by the press as “While I am sometimes unable to control my desire to chase [please choose the most appropriate word from the following list: kittens; puppies; fire trucks; unicorns; ambulances; Indians working at 7-11; or balloons], I stand by the President on this announcement and believe this is the best policy decision for the middle class.”
After order was restored in the Press Room, the President shot a piercing glare to press secretary Jay Carney and continued toward the microphone. “First,” began Obama, “I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask those individual millionaires who are making over $200,000 per year to pay more in taxes…I mean at some point they’ve made enough money and doggone-it, me and my policy advisors will decide how much that is!” A voice from the back of room earned wild applause from the one reasonable press reporter present when it interjected, “I think your Federal Reserve has made enough money, Mr. President!” alluding to the monetary policies of the Federal Reserve that are pick-pocketing the purchasing power of all American citizens via inflated prices arising from an increase in the money supply. “And furthermore,” the voice continued before being escorted out by Secret Service personnel, “a person earning more than $200,000 in one year is not a millionaire! Get your story together!”
The president turned to the ironically present Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, and inquired over the live microphone, “Is that one of them ‘pun’ things or do we need to cut wages at the Fed…? What was that cat talkin’ ‘bout?” Geithner replied, “Shiiit, son…I skip paying my own taxes whenever I can…take a look at my returns from the first half of the last decade, I wake up every morning wondering how I slithered through the committee hearings…I don’t know the answer to that question and whoever invited me to this press event should probably just be fired…”
Following the outburst and live microphone gaffe with the Treasury Secretary, the President abruptly concluded the press conference by thanking the broader Press Corps for their participation and chest-bumping a front-row reporter from MSNBC before strutting out of the room.
The Laissez Faire notes that Obama’s tax proposal would allow the Bush-era tax cuts to expire for single taxpayers earning more than $200,000 per year and married taxpayers earning more than $250,000, collectively and nonsensically referred to by Obama and his administration as “millionaires.” Allowing the Bush-era tax cuts to expire would catapult the top federal marginal tax rate to an unnerving 39.6%, a rate the United States hasn’t felt since that one president who had an affair with Monica Lewinsky was in office. In addition to raising the top marginal rates on the vilified minority of successful Americans whom the president manipulatively refers to inclusively as “millionaires,” Obama’s proposal would also hike top capital gains rates to 20%, tax certain dividend income as ordinary income, and restore more punitive estate, gift and other transfer tax parameters.
Furthermore, contrary to the President’s claims that the tax hikes included in his 2013 budget will help reduce the federal deficit and balance the budget, projected figures compiled by Veronique de Rugy of the Mercatus Center at George Mason University show the tax increases would bring in roughly $970 Billion over 10 years while federal spending will approach $47 Trillion (with a “T”) over that same time period. Assuming the United States still has an economy when the President leaves office, this guarantees his résumé a one-way ticket to the “no F-ing way” pile should he seek any private sector employment whatsoever.
UPDATE: A reporter from The Laissez Faire caught up with the Vice President shortly after the press conference. Biden was found without a shirt sitting on an outdoor bench blocks away from the White House playing with a white kitten donning a pink, shiny bow. When asked by the reporter if the Vice President wanted to take the opportunity to say a few words on the White House’s latest class-warfare campaign ploy cross-dressed as a revenue-generating prosperity builder, the Vice President responded bluntly by hurling the innocent kitten at the reporter’s face and raced away in the direction of a passing ice cream truck.